I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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