yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
