he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
