maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
