Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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