I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
