I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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