i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
