Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
