im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
