Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
