Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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