fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
