her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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