Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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