I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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