My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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