You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
