i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Randomize
