Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
