I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
