I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
