Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
In America we eat man semen.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
