Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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