i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
