Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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