I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
