Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
