Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
