Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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