pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
