I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
