if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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