I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
