i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
