My liver just broke up with me...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
