How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
