I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
