We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
