Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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