Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
