but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
