I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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