My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
