There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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