I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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