Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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