Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you win again, gameday.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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