Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
