My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize