Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
