he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
