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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
